'Unpalatable': the cologne

Gordon Ramsey may be the scariest chef in the kitchen, but he's also the smelliest!

- Scallions
- Musty aprons
- Truffle oil
- Hand soap
- Rubber clogs
- Quail eggs
- Balsamic reduction
- Raw fish
- Fig chutney
- Frois Grois
- Leaking cool room
- Prosecco
- Poultry gizzards

Pepper the table with the ingredients and roll your elbows in it. The complex aroma will exude itself in furious bursts of warm compost, as you grow impatient with your colleagues and contestants!

Living la vida Longoria

Eva Longoria is one of the most proficient social butterflies in the red carpet district, standing on every corner flashing her bejeweled toes. Question is, does she use an enhanced fragrance to lure the shutter bugs?

- Red grapes
- Jojoba scalp ointment
- Leg bronzer
- Glow in the dark tooth gel
- Tortellini
- Crusted mascara
- Hibiscus gelato
- Diamonte encrusted car keys
- Strawberry lip gloss
- Leather driving gloves
- Sticky pilates ball
- Defrosted cheese cake
- Hand moisturizer

Soften the back of your heels with the concoction, until it becomes a malleable paste. Over time, the pores in your sole will exude a powerful bouquet of tabloid-worthy stench!

Smell funny

Office politics may be the bread and butter of his comic career, but the secret enigma of Steve Carells' screen presence is also in his collar!

- Fruit smoothies
- Back acne cream
- Nail strengthening paint
- Mint floss
- Blue berries
- Straw hat
- Black coffee
- Cinnamon gum
- Saw dust
- Whole grain bagel
- Mint juleep
- Pet-accident carpet cleaner
- Craft and hobby glue
- Hair stimulant conditioner
- New denim

Jog on the spot for a few minutes each morning before applying the ointment to your temples. The aroma will decompress your migraines and skew your expression into comedic punctuations!

Having a Frank Sinatra complex that isn't over powering?

In a bizarre twist of tabloid documented events, this warrior of independent film traded in his youthful swagger for a debonaire furrowed brow. The good news is that Ben Afflecks' clean cut image embraces traditionally successful hygiene practice!

- Fresh towels
- Granola and blue berries
- Salted peanuts
- New patio floor boards
- Cucumber facial cleanser
- Tapioca pudding
- Mountain bike handle bars
- Samual Adams beer
- Cotton fleece sweat shirts
- Antibacterial soap
- Salty sea water
- Countryside gas station
- Borrowed - wifes' baseball cap

Smooth the mixture in the palm of your hands and slick down your hair in the form of a 1940's movie star. Who knows, just by smelling the part you might vicariously gain the charisma to match!

Belle of Brooklyn

Michelle Williams is on the make. Her career is catching on fire, as is her simmering natural perfume!

- Gardenia petals
- Talcum powder
- Rain boots
- Tomato and basil caprese
- Eyelid cooling cream
- Peppermint iced tea
- Fresh linens
- Dish washing detergent
- Boot polish
- Cut grass
- Baby shampoo
- Cantaloupe
- New glasses case
- Airport carpet cleaner
- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

Mush the ingredients together and stuff it in your duffle coat pockets. As months pass, the aroma will gently waft into all your sweaters and become part of your signature scent.

Lowe and behold: when scandal turns old.

Rob Lowe has been in some hot water recently regarding his nanny-liaison. Sadly, it wasn't the soapy kind and so his reputation stinks as much as his pheromones!

- Orange peel
- Tennis balls
- Bologna sandwich
- Lip balm
- Egg yolk protein shakes
- Fabric softener
- Damp socks
- Sour armpit hair
- Amstel Light beer
- Musty car seats
- Sea Kelp shampoo
- Peanut butter
- Stale gym clothes
- Eyelid moisturizer

Duck behind a hidden door and apply the ointment behind your ears. Reappear in the family room, feigning boredom. Act like nothing ever happened and wink smugly at anyone who contests your innocence!

Scentsational for your career

Nothing beats a star studded future to rival a checkered past, and with the aide of Diablo Codys' spicy perfume you'll also gain hipster kudos!

- Camel lights
- Vintage leather
- Cherry cola
- Nail polish remover
- Chinese take out
- Drugstore romance novels
- Hot vinyl car seats
- Expired sun tan oil
- Teeth whitening gel
- Bathroom mildew
- Musk incense
- Jelly-chocolate rings
- Lighter fluid
- Sticky Diner menus
- Hair repair conditioner

Fill an aerosol can with the ingredients and spray liberally over your stationary. Every time you send a letter to a publisher, your
scented manuscript will act as a lucky charm!

Handsome Potion

Allow me to sum up the essence of beauty, strength, prowess and enigma in two words. Jonny Depp.

- Black currants
- Leather belts
- Brass door knobs
- Crisp apples
- Tortoise optical frames
- Raw almonds
- Boot polish
- Summer in the countryside
- Oak floorboards
- Stout
- Clean hair
- Gardening gloves
- Pipe tabacco
- Tomato vine
- Antique stores
- Corn on the cobb
- Pressed shirts

Douse your face in the perfume and pat dry with the inside of your shirt. Shake your head to restore your shaggy hairdo and grin in the mirror with a devilish stare. Repeat out loud "I am cunning, handsome and rich!" and thy will, will be done.

She puts the fun in funny

Hot comedian of the minute, Tina Fey is lighting a fire. With her popularity roaring and her aerosol fuming, she knows no bounds of success!

- Tomato juice
- Licorice
- Nail strengthener
- Anti fabric wrinkle spray
- Zinc tablets
- Car service air conditioner
- Weathered 'lucky' sneakers
- Smoking hair dryer
- Peppermint gum
- Bees wax Lip balm
- Refrigerated tacos
- Tums digestive chewables
- Dirty Martinis
- Never-used pilates ball
- Microwave popcorn
- Patent leather

Work yourself into a caffeinated frenzy, then grab hold of your senses in the privacy of a public lavatory. As you calm yourself back to normalcy, try to find the humor in the situation and dab the perfume mixture behind your ears. This should reaffirm your powerful grasp on your career and give you the confidence to walk back into the busy traffic and hail a cab!

Luxury Cruise

With parents like hers it's no wonder that Hollywoods' cutest little peanut, Suri Cruise looks and smells like a picnic basket!

- Organic apple juice
- Oatmeal
- Talcum powder
- Calamine lotion
- New rubber sandles
- Banana peel
- Fennel shampoo
- squashed grapes
- Crusted peanut butter
- Porcelain dolls
- Baby face wipes
- Polished marble floor
- Smudged lipstick kisses
- Mandarin segments

Mush the ingredients in with your dinner plate and squish it through you fingers. After a few minutes of playing with your food roll it into little balls and glue them under the table.

Seductive mess

Unlike her grimacing appearance, Samantha Ronson is the vision of fresh baked apple pie. With as much attention to her hygiene as her disheveled image, it's no wonder Lindsay is forever borrowing her shirts!

- Red Bull
- Whitening toothpaste
- Air freshener
- Bleached shirts
- Fabric softener
- Tic Tacs
- Chinese take out
- Fresh linens
- Rubber headphone mufflers
- Smoking electrical cords
- Vintage comic books
- New sneakers
- Old spice
- Supermarket freezer isle
- Wart retardant
- Second hand lipstick.

Seal the inside rim of your bowling cap with the mixture and allow the humid micro-climate inside the hat to conjure the perfume within minutes!

Tough love: the cologne

The meanest judge on American Idol may seem opinionated and brash, but SImon Cowells' fragrance is pleasantly mild and welcoming!

- Talcom powder
- Spearmint gum
- Lemon meringue pie
- Fresh coffee
- Car polish
- Fabric softener
- New denim
- Leather conditioner
- Facial moisturizer
- Turkey club sandwiches
- Tennis racquet handle
- Brillo pad
- Scallop potato casserole
- Pool chlorine

Empty the contents of the perfume mix into the inner sole of your shoes. Fasten the laces firmly and let the aerosol disperse through the vent holes during the day. May be intensified by a brisk jog on the tread mill in between the contestants' performances.

Scent of a woman (yes, I finally gave into cliched temptation)

Maggie Gyllenhaal is not only a dark horse of the cinema, but also of the aroma. Much like the smirk that undertows her screen persona, her fragrance is so complex that it's hard to tell if she's wearing apricot blossom or expensive rat bait!

- Goose berries
- Dry Martini
- Leather riding crop
- Hair shine oil
- Grilled tomatoes
- New Stroller wheels
- Fresh nail polish
- Granola bars
- Vintage velvet
- Cockroach poison
- Leather key ring
- Cucumber water
- Vanilla ice cream
- Bronzer
- Organic pizza
- Baby wipes
- Goat milk soap
- Black currant juice

Empty the mixture into a bowl of nuts and snack periodically between phone calls to your agent. At first the perfume will smell like damp ceramic, but will soon blossom into a rich earthy bouquet as you burp.

An air of arrogance

From reality TV villain to yuppie aspiring producer, Spencer Pratt stinks!

- Bubble gum
- New sneakers
- Self tanner
- Musty boxer shorts
- Diet pepsi
- Facial hair growth stimulant
- Sinus decongestant
- Pork sausages
- Pineapple daiquiri
- Teeth whitener
- Fabric softener
- 'Weathered' magazine pages
- Raspberry twizlers
- Frosted flakes
- Ketchup
- Corona beer
- Cigars
- Moulding bath mats
- Gold plated wrist jewelry

Smack your cheeks with the concoction and grin in the mirror, flashing those gummy white pegs of yours. P.S, it looks like gingivitis is in the house - smear some of the cologne on your teeth to petrify the germs!

Dr. Smellgood

Dr. Phil has been in and out of hot water recently. Figuratively and literally. This is why his ratings and his aroma have vastly improved!

- Spicy beef jerky
- Boot polish
- Freshly pressed shirts
- Mouth freshener
- Roasted cashews
- Cinnamon buns
- Windex
- Cuticle cream
- Whole grain mustard
- Melting Microphone battery
- Black coffee
- Molasses licorice
- Old leather jacket
- Big Red gum
- Selsun Blue shampoo




Prepare the ingredients in the quiet of your dressing room. Apply small amounts to your fingertips and furl through you mustache. The vibrations of your rumbling voice will harden the ointment into a slow release of fragrant wonder.

Perfume of the godess

We keep legendary company here at the perfumery. The prima diva, bella donna - Madonna is in the factory!
Her aroma is so pungently angelic, that the laborers are forced to don sunscreen to shield themselves from disintegrating in her magnificent raise!

- Qual egg shells
- Olives
- Gardenia moisturizer
- Lanolin
- Manderine pith
- Almond oil
- Cinnamon cheerios
- Cheese doodle
- Brass doorknobs
- Leather hyde
- Porcelain dolls
- Vanilla bean curd
- Raw silk
- Damp yoga mat
- Mango skin
- Cold steel
- Frosted pearls

Allow the potion to steep in a basin of chilled water over night. By the light of a candle, immerse your head under the concoction and blow bubbles. Ring a gong three times. Snap into a karate kick and bow at your reflection in the mirror. This perfume will intensify along with your mood, so be poised for high drama!

Abduliscious

As far as old school saucy babes go, Paula Abdul is as fit as a fiddle. Her dopey, fatigued, vacant, bubbly, stoned persona on American Idol aside - her fragrance belts a pitch that no contestant could ever sing!

- Menthol cigarettes
- Virgin Pina coladas
- Turkey sandwiches
- Vanilla shampoo
- Hair glitter spray
- New elastic bands
- Teeth whitening gel
- Mentos candy
- Sharpie ink
- Nail glue
- Watermelon lip gloss
- Compact powder
- Fish oil capsules
- Kiwi fruit juice
- No Dose caplets

Direct your stylist with specific instructions to apply the formula into your facial make up routine. If she has any hesitation fire her on the spot, call security and your lawyers then steal someone elses' assistant. You are the vision of a pedigree poodle, extra care must be provided for your appearance. Remind them of that.

Fragrant like Federline

Kevin Federline is one of the most over rated fathers and yet, the most unknown for his pristine natural fragrance. All those free moisturizer samples in the mail, since his declaration of glamour/victim-fatherhood can't hurt either!

- Diet pepsi
- New Nike shoes
- Scalp conditioner
- Wintermint gum
- Basketball skids
- Hawaiian pizza
- Regurgitated toddler meals
- Whisky sours
- New leather car seats
- Protein shakes
- Bacon and egg rolls
- Stale cigarette smoke
- Sea kelp facial scrub
- Sweaty gym towel
- Triple woven ski socks

Crunch the mixture together as if it were a stress relief ball. One more flirtatious, whimpering plea for forgiveness from your pop wreck of an ex wife (Britney) and you'll be ready to EAT the perfume! In that case, add a strong helping of artificial sweetener and pop in the microwave for a few minutes.

Eau de: like totally bodacious!

Keanu Reeves has had many opportunities to take a bath. Whether or not he has capitalized on his success in the movies and done so, is another matter. Rumors of sour body odor and crusty linens have long shrouded his reputation. However there is just enough sugar in his spice, to keep the ladies looking twice!


- Pineapple smoothies
- Cold soba noodles
- Dirty kitchen utensils
- Old leather jacket
- Hemp lip balm
- Motorcycle diesel
- Pine toothpaste
- Unwashed 10yr old jeans
- Musty guitar shops
- Stale underclothes
- Fresh cut lawn

Furrow your brow and pout as you apply the concoction to your hair. Carefully tussle the wisps, so that it gives the impression of an active romantic schedule (even though the drooping eyelids would suggest dissatisfaction and heartache after a playing fast and loose with young actresses egos).

Edge of seventeen

After a whirlwind pregnancy of media, family feuds and serious speed wobbles in
pubescent romance, Jamie Lynne is ready for anything! Crack open the peanut butter ice cream and gherkins, it's going to get worse before it gets better!

- Vanilla custard
- Tootsie rolls
- Cold cream
- Hot dogs
- Steamed broccoli
- Zinc capsules
- Cool Aid
- Cotton ear buds
- Lemon Jello
- Fabric softer
- New sneakers
- Hair spray
- Play station control panel
- Canned corned beef
- Cheese pizza
- Knock-off Coach bags
- Cracked heal cream
- Tread mill handle bars


Gently rub the mixture into your temples before going to fixing your hair each day. Expect the potency of this aroma to kick in after a few days, when your hormone levels adjust. To enhance the intensity, avoid drinking water and just stick to diet soda.

Hold your nose!

Sultry, suave, enigmatic and alluring are descriptions that will forever haunt Lindsay Lohan as aspirations that elude her.
In a short period of time, the actress/singer/socialite has encrypted more codes of promiscuous urban legend than Nancy Sinatra in her rebellion years! Here's why:

- French Fries
- Pineapple lip gloss
- Shirley Temples (loaded with rum!)
- Gold plated hoops
- Bronzer
- Polaroid film
- New denim
- Cracked heel lotion
- Seaweed body wraps
- Pomegranate juice
- Champagne soaked undergarments
- Jamba juice energy supplements
- Post it notes (for the cleaning maid)

Apply the aromatic concoction directly to your nostrils and smack your gums, feigning a drug habit. The perfume will gradually release it's potency via other peoples shirt collars, as you grace the limousines of unsavory company.

Holmes is where the heart is

I almost wanted to cry when I saw the recent pictures of Katie Holmes looking defeated. But then I turned my attention to the fact that I wanted to cry over a picture of a celebrity. I let it sit with me a moment and then.... I burst into tears, at how sad THAT concept is!

Perhaps she caught a squirt of onion juice and was merely squinting at the cameras? More likely story.

- Hair lacquer
- Fresh oysters
- Fabric softener
- Fresh minted checks
- Chanel's entire repertoire
- Prune juice
- Cold leather gloves
- Smoking credit card
- Prozac
- Almond oil
- Soiled Diapers
- Creme brlulee

Spend a good half an hour staring at yourself with hardened gaze in the bathroom mirror in the morning. WIth porcelain hands like the Queen of England, glide the ointment over your face. Recite a line from (insert stoic quote from Joan Crawford Movie or Glenn Close). Repeat this bathroom performance daily in order to activate the secret ingredients of the perfume: regret, disdain and emotional botulism. Eat your heart out Nicole Kidman, Katie's on the make!

The actors' Medium

Rosanna Arquette is the hottest guest actress since Anjelica Huston to set NBC's hit show Medium on fire!
Word on the street is that she smells as classy as her performance.

- Cinnamon gum
- Lemon balm shampoo
- New leather purse
- Fresh lipstick
- Dope
- Chanel club card
- Mineral water
- Watercress and pear gelato
- Salty sea water
- Silk scarves
- Cheap sunglasses
- Nail polish
- White grapes
- Champagne
- Eyelid moisturizer

Tussle your hair like you just rolled out of bed (for the 7th time today) and shimmy the liquid mix through the tips. Each time you sachet into a room, be sure to flick your hair over your shoulder. The perfume will evaporate into a cloud of cool envy!

Eau de parfum #2008: Glowing stubble

Thomas Beatie is the ultimate celebrity - Nicole Richie, Brangelina and J.Lo have SOOO much to compete with, now that a man is taking over their mumzilla spotlight! Of course he aint no Diva, but he's Oprah's new best friend. Enough said. Let's market the fragrance already!!

- Aloe vera
- Bath salts
- Toe clippings
- Roast beef
- Pickles
- Ice cream
- Fresh towels
- Midnight donuts
- Shaving cream
- Beets
- Clean hair
- Idustrial strength deodorant
- Banana smoothies
- Tiger balm muscle relaxant
- Camomile tea
- Whole grain mustard

This potent concoction will help to stimulate a fluctuation of publicity and hormones. Repeated application may even induce morning sickness - slap on some mens cologne to balance the effect and enhance the "Contemporary Virgin Mary / Jesus" appeal.

A breath of fresh air

The new Prime minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd brings refreshing change, both on the airwaves and in the board room.


- Roast chicken sandwiches
- Iron shirts
- Fennel shampoo
- Lemon balm moisturizer
- Breath freshener
- Sun block
- Salt 'n vinegar chips
- Fresh polished shoes
- Damp microphone residue
- Talcum powder
- New tennis shoes
- Earl Grey tea
- Eyeglass cleaning fluid
- Lemon short bread biscuits
- Italian spun socks

Gently moisten the palms of your hands with the mixture and dab softly on your temples in between appointments. The perfume will provide effective relief from anxiety and fatigue induced odors

The Hills are alive and swinging!

What does it take to keep a reality bit-part out of the gutter these days?
And who is responsible for leaking those ghastly photos?
Well we thought we'd beat her to the punch and release her perfume,
since it's only a matter of time before she'll be flaunting it along with the inevitable singing career-clothing line-unsavory video stint.

- Hepatitis
- Gum
- PVC belts
- Grilled cheese
- Toothpaste
- Cuticle cream
- Anti fungal gel
- Musk
- New SUV smell
- Body bronzer
- Slim fast
- Nail glue
- Watermelon Pina Coladas

This aroma is volatile to the sophisticated nose and should be used only when conducting a cat fight with your boyfriends ex -girlfriend!

You tell me?

Zac Efron smells more like strawberry lip gloss and talcum powder or hamburgers and football stadium?

Sugar and Spacey and all things racy!

Kevin Spacey is talented, suave and popular. But what sets him apart from other Celebrity actors is his intense natural cologne that reeks of maturity, wisdom and success!

- Pine cones
- Black coffee
- Deli meat sandwich
- Eye (anti)wrinkle cream
- Leather car seats
- Open fireplace
- Mint mouth spray
- Hot dry cleaned shirts
- Zinc tablets
- Organic apples
- Polished wood furniture
- Aeroplane hand towlette

Freshen your brow with the mixture with a damp cloth, careful to avoid dabbing your eyes. If real human tears come into contact with the ointment, the result will be an aerosol of onion-like juice that will melt the audience into a blubbering mess of emotion. However effective to your acting pursuits this may appear, the resulting odor of onion sandwiches on your face will freeze your career like a deer in headlights!

Scents of humour

Owen Wilson is yet another statistic among comedians with suicidal tendancies. But in recent months it appears his career and love life are both on the upswing, thanks to a very special addition to his health regime: regular tooth-brushing!

- Wintermint listerine
- Cinnamint whitening gel
- Sun block
- Damp Seersucker
- Melon
- Lemongrass tea
- Sweaty yoga mat
- Turkey burgers
- Anti fungal toe cream
- Mayonaise
- Stale socks
- Pet shampoo
- Lemon lime sorbet
- Bicycle grease

Mess your hair with the formula and let it clump into perfume crusts in the heat of the sun.

Eau de Diaz

Cameron Diaz is one of the most excitable celebrities around. Is it her sunny disposition, diet or secret smelling salts?

- Lemon zest
- Coconut oil
- Canned pineapple
- Brand new volleyballs
- Hot cassette tapes on a dashboard
- Terry toweling
- Iceberg lettuce
- Cool whip
- Freshly waxed legs
- Skinny chai latte

Compress in a pump spar and apply liberally to your face throughout the day.

Mamma Richie

Rehab is so ten minutes ago, the new rage is mayhem AND babies!
How will Nicole Richie juggle her baby, her eating disorders, her rocker boyfriend AND accesorize?!
More to the point, what will she smell like in a few months!

- Baby puke
- Talcum powder
- Slim fast
- Cucumber smoothies
- Solarium towels
- Nail polish remover
- Smoking credit card
- Apple sauce
- Fabric softner
- Sweaty jogging shoes
- Geranium skin repair cream
- Proseco
- Strawberry shortcake lip gloss
- Charcoal eyeliner

Wizz in the blender and chugg with you morning protein shake.

You had me at Jello

I would personally place a bet that Renee Zellweger has sprained her neck on more than a few occasions, posing on the red carpet. Either, she's flaunting her good side, or shielding the cameras from her toxic armpit aerosol!

- Tangerine Jello
- Vitamin water
- Mentos
- Rose water
- Laxitives
- Frozen yoghurt
- Damaged hair treatment
- Cheese Doodle
- Aspartame (diet coke)
- Benzoylmethyl ecgonine (coke)
- Fern tree fertilizer
- Lemon cheese cake
- Facial muscle relaxant tea*


Fill a hot basin with the mixture and splash your face daily. For best results, eat the concoction and then sweat it out at the gym!