The Celebrity Perfumery

Perfume: the latest performance art

2008-07-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

Laurie Anderson is one of the weirdest and talented performance artists on the planet. Her soundscapes alone are haunting, but what of her personal hygiene?

- Tapioca pearls
- Black coffee
- Hot electrical equipment
- Almond hand moisturizer
- Pressed shirts
- Hotel linens
- Edamame
- Museum air conditioning
- Interior violin case
- Hair spray
- Vitamin supplements
- Antique yoga mat
- Dry figs
- Herbal toothpaste
- Polished cement studio floors

Filter the ingredients through a microphone sock and strain the remaining clumps with a clenched fist. Spread the matter over the dashboard of a huge amplifier and turn the volume up to eleven. The feedback and electrical noise will cook the perfume ingredients to a high-pitch aroma and will permeate the stage wherever you roam!

Jungle Juice

2008-07-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

In his natural habitat, Sir David Attenborough is deep in the forest, scouring the ends of the Earth for life at its' most primal. But how does this affect his aroma? Does he camouflage or keep a clean profile?
- Damp soil
- Perspiration drenched khakis
- Rotting figs
- Muddy boots
- Film canisters
- Canvas drapes
- Tree nuts
- Granola bars
- Charcoal
- Iodine tablets
- Aluminum water bottle
- Mosquito larvae
- Scrambled eggs on toast
- Lapsang Souchong tea
- Calamine lotion
- Gin and tonic
- Sunscreen

Pummel the ingredients together on a hard rock with the palm of your hand. After a few minutes when the fragrance begins to simmer, lather the paste generously under your collar and around your ankles. Soon you will be invisible to the flies and attractive to the film crew!

Absolutely Divinyl

2008-07-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Chrissy Amphlett is more than just the lead singer in The Divinyls, she's an ambassador for truth and beauty in its rawest form - body odor stripped of its' dignity and brazen with pungence!!

- Perspiration drenched leather
- Overused hair dryer
- Cigarette ashtray memorabilia
- Crushed velvet
- Caffe latte
- Crusty handbag interior
- Fresh lipstick applique
- Busted high heels
- Mascara globs
- Lavender bath oil
- Beef stew
- Spearmint gum
- Musk fabric softener
- Varnished furniture
- Beer soaked pub counter
- Anti-gingivitis cream
- Electrical tape
- Weathered satin bed linens

Roll your hair around a tub full of the listed ingredients in a drunken frenzy. To enhance the aromatic potency, try wearing the enmeshed perfume to a concert and let it steep in the heat of the stage lights.

Love in the 90's

2008-07-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

The 90210 heart throb, Luke Perry, has still got it - the squinty pout, the cool demeanor and the rugged aroma!

- Sun-hardened leather
- Hair gel
- Raspberry twizzlers
- Motorcycle grease
- Dirty denims
- Straw
- Dirt roads
- Beer stained shirts
- Girlfriends' deodorant
- Cheese burgers
- Billiard table felt
- Gumball machine candy
- Vintage sneakers
- Weathered TV remote control
- Leaking refrigerator juice

Fold the ingredients together into a giant salad bowl of sugary cereal (preferably cinnamon cheerios). Eat the entire bowl during the course of an MTV 1990's pop culture marathon. The acid reflex caused by such intense career-flashback / panic attack combined with the excess consumption of sugar (and perfume ingredients) should be enough to create an uniquely fragrant moment!

Vintage Blue Velvet

2008-07-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

Composed, poised and stunningly beautiful: Isabella Rossellini has one of the most powerful fragrances on the planet. With the bat of her eyelids, the microscopic fibers from her lashes flush the troposphere with a bouquet of exotic nectars!

- Soft leather
- Pine nuts
- Black currant leaves
- Polished
- Homemade pasta
- Gardenia petals
- Pearly sea shells
- Rose wood furniture
- Baked enamel tiles
- Salty sea breeze
- Orchid atrium
- Antique opera glasses
- Expresso with cream
- Sunday driving gloves
- Polished brass door knobs
- Vegetable garden
- Embroidered silk

Combine the ingredients in a decanter and douse with vintage red wine. Let the potion vaporize on the porch for the duration of summer and scrape out the rouge lacquer into a vile to be worn around your neck. Pop the cork on the vile whenever you are in need of a little va-va-va-vuuuuum!

Love Potion for the fainting heart

2008-07-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Morrissey needs no introduction for his musical and cultural accomplishments, but he does warrant a soapy inspection behind the ears!

- Damp leather boots
- Hot tea
- Mashed potatoes
- Antique microphone
- Musky shirt collar
- Fresh grass lawn
- Airplane hand towels
- Worn corduroy
- Ink pens
- Vitamin water
- Steamed spinach
- Dusty book shelves
- Brass belt buckles
- Hair gel
- Bouganvillia vines
- Stucco garden walls

Empty the contents into a tray and add a pound of earthy soil. Sprinkle lettuce seeds and bring them to fruition. After weeks of eating the lettuce you grew in the magic dirt, you should begin to smell depressing yet poetically uplifting!

Smell Gibson

2008-07-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

Mel Gibson has had a few memorable incarnations as a romantic funny guy. In the last few years though, his rugged puppy dog charms have soured into wilder beast proportions!

- Non alcoholic beer
- Burnt forehead
- Grilled steak
- Pressed linen shirts
- Vinyl sports car seats
- Damp beach towels
- Weathered Scientology manual
- Boston Cream pie
- Pineapple slushies
- Toe fungus retardant
- Hair gel
- Home theatre popcorn machine
- Talcum powder
- Gold plated cufflinks
- Breath freshener

Smooth the ingredients in the palm of your hands and slick back your hair with a comb. The perfume should really gain power during awkward press conferences where you explain your newfound cinematic direction!

Eau de toilette: Ravishing Russeau

2008-06-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

For a high fashion model and boyfriend to Kate Bosworth, James Rousseau keeps a low profile. But it's not only his looks that leave a lasting impression - his fragrance is even more alluring!

- Damp cobble stone streets
- Tweed
- Cafe au lait
- Leather boots
- Rustic buildings
- Hot photographic lamps
- Buttered toast
- Clean linens
- Star fruit
- Paris' evening smog
- Autumn chestnuts
- Licorice boot straps
- Oatmeal soap
- Ceramic window flower pots
- Burnt sugar cane shampoo
- Airport lounge

Burry the ingredients into the depths of your suitcase and rummage your clothes around vigorously. Zip tightly and deliver to the concierge. After hours of being jostled from limousines, conveyor belts and airplane compartments, the perfume should be sufficiently absorbed by the contents of your luggage, ready to wear!

Britney goes buff No.#382

2008-06-27T21:08:00.001-07:00

Britney is on the 'best babes on the beach' list in U.S tabloids again, after a plummet from grace earlier this year. After disciplined training at the gym and her Dad's supervisory home cooking, she's also gained progress in the body odor department!

- Grapefruit juice
- Cottage cheese
- Lycra body suits
- Toe wart retardant
- Coconut oil
- Slim fast granola bars
- Pink lemonade shampoo
- Inflatable pool toys
- Fried chicken nuggets
- Teeth whitening gel
- Bikini wax
- Hot sand
- Virgin Pina Colada
- Infected ingrown hair
- Sweaty yoga mat
- Rubber flip flops
- Menthol cigarettes
- Bubblemint gum
- Strawberry frost lip gloss
- New white leather car seats

Steep the ingredients in a hot tub with the bubble jets on full blast. Slowly immerse yourself in the frothy soup and remain submerged for an entire evening under the gaze of a full moon. WIth a combination of chemistry and astrology, the deliciously trashy perfume will be fastened to your skin by the morning! Reapply as often as your hair extensions.

Clairfragrent

2008-06-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Allie Theiss is one of the most prolific psychics to emerge over the itunes airwaves. Along with the background noise of Ohio in the summer, comes a refreshing scent to enlighten the senses!

- Tomato vines
- Country air
- Heated computer motor
- Fung Shui water founbain
- Fuzzy peaches
- Dry grass
- Rocky road ice cream
- Sandals
- Rose water
- Fabric softener
- Weathered tarot cards
- Peppermint iced tea
- Sun block
- Wooden deck chairs
- Homemade salsa
- Geranium plants

Muddle the potion in a mortar and pestle and smear on the front porch to dry in the sun. After a few days, the crusty paste will begin to emit potent vapors that will send waves of good energy down the street for miles!

The brides' bouquet

2008-06-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Newly wed, Ashlee Simpson - Wentz has become an honorable member of the 'rocker brides in Hollywood association'. Such a role has many rewards and responsibilities. Along with looking the part, one must also SMELL it!

- Grungy sneakers
- Fabric softened hoodies
- New denim
- Ring dings
- Diet cherry cola
- Recycled air of a tour bus
- Last nights' Chinese take out
- Burnt hair ironing wand
- PVC studded belts
- Lumpy foundation balls at the bottom of the toiletry bag
- Bourbon and Beer suds
- Bubble gum
- Menthol cigarettes
- Appetite suppressant pills
- Hotel shampoo
- Gummi bears

Roll the ingredients together in the base of your giant Chanel bag. Every time you reach for a piece of gum or loose change, you hand will emerge with a fragrance to rival even the veteran rocker-brides(Pam, you're next!).

Oh my Josh!

2008-06-23T20:03:00.001-07:00

Since his breakthrough role as a teenage predator in "Virgin Suicides", Josh Harnett has been slinking around the skirts of trendy films and trashy girls. If his looks are anything to go by, his aromatic lure is just as mysterious!

- Leather gloves
- Woolen scarves
- Stout beer
- Dank socks
- Limousine leather seats
- Apple and cinnamon cheerios
- Cotton pajamas
- Rolled tobacco
- Milk duds
- Stale under shirt
- Volcanic rock foot scrub
- Distressed denim
- Bamboo tea garden
- Motorcycle polish
- Weathered video games
- Black currant syrup and seltzer
- Last nights hair mousse

Scrub your feet with the mixture and plant into shoes, leaving globs of the paste oozing through your sock. Remain wearing the same pair of socks for days on end, until the gentle waft of unkempt-movie star begins to fume!

Who cares: de parfum

2008-06-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

Apathy is the new sexy. With her dreamy eyes and sharp tongue, it's no wonder Ellen page has got all the skinny-jean teens swooning!

- Dr pepper
- Alfalfa sprouts
- Soy milk
- Rusty guitar strings
- Pop rocks
- Musty corduroy
- French fries
- Dusty Record stores
- PVC train seats
- Flea market waffles
- Black coffee
- Stale linens
- Licorice straps
- Thrift shops
- Bicycle grease
- Cheez Whizz
- Airplane refreshment towel

Smudge the mixture in your palms until the consistency becomes waxy and smooth. Grease the cuffs of your leather jacket and any other staple apparel. The perfume will permeate through even the most feminine fabric softeners your mother attempts to clean your clothes with!

Soured Romance with a twist of Success

2008-06-16T20:47:00.001-07:00

Unlike Meg, Mary-Louise Parker has survived the roller coaster of love and won a medal for it. This is what she smells like in the absence of fear and loathing:

- Peppermint tea (I know because I used to be her clumsy and forgetful waitress)
- Goat cheese and onion pizza
- Baby Gap store
- Hair repair creme
- Lavender eye mask
- Seltzer and lime
- Patent leather heels
- New denim jacket
- Mixed berry coulis
- Celeriac coleslaw
- Fabric softener
- Baby talcum powder
- Gucci lens cleaner
- Water crackers
- Garden daisies
- Damp cobble stones
- Gin and tonic
- Leather and cashmere driving gloves

Prepare the ingredients in a food processor and pour into a hip flask partly filled with whisky. Sip on the potion throughout the day and burn off the toxins at the all-hours gym. Within a week you will be the vision of resilient success and dignity.

Romance Warrior Bubble Bath for the Mild at Heart

2008-06-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

All judgments aside, Meg Ryan has fought in the battlefield of love on and off screen, and despite all odds, still managed to exude a cute smirk. Most recently recognized for recommending spiritual awakening book "the Power of Now" to Oprah, and her inflamed collagen lip implants, Meg also possesses a fragrant aroma that is simple to replicate.

- Almond oil moisturizer
- Wheat berry salad
- Lanolin heal ointment
- White Zinfandel
- Muslin cloth
- Curling wand
- Hair spray
- Pink apple Lip gloss
- Country meadows
- White bean soup
- Camomile tea
- Sticky treadmill handles
- Aloe Vera juice
- Vitamin B complex
- Fabric softener
- Anti bacterial gel
- Cantaloupe

Every once in a while, draw a hot bath and empty the contents of the potion in the tub. Soak yourself in the fragrant soup while meditating and soon you will begin to absorb the power of nasal enlightenment, that will rejuvenate your faith in love, life and career.

Dank, Damp and Dempsey

2008-06-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Patrick Dempsey has caught my eye, but not in a flattering way. I know little of his screen prowess, but enough of his tabloid infiltration to know that somewhere along the line he smells like SELF TANNER.

- New car(s)
- Fake tan
- Leather driving jacket
- Soft jet slippers
- Freshly clipped golf green
- Sea kelp shampoo
- Iced mint tea
- BLT sandwich
- Mango skins
- Anti fungal foot cream
- Muggy indoor pool air
- Crusty linens
- Saw dust
- Pet stain carpet cleaner
- Video arcade popcorn
- Dental fluoride enhanced gum

Scrub the interior of your car with the mixture and then steam clean the seats. The culmination of heat, steam and chemicals will set the odor in semi-permanently, giving you the opportunity to change it when you lose your 'flavour of the month' appeal at the box office.

The magic ingredient

2008-06-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

The incredibly gifted J.K Rowling, has more magic in her baby fingernail than all of the Harry Potter books, movies, merchandise and jelly beans put together. But how does this electric imagination effect the ph levels?

- Black currant jelly on toast
- Russian caravan tea
- Illuminated manuscripts
- Damp castle walls
- Silk Persian rugs
- Candle wax
- Limousine air conditioning
- Water crackers
- Pearl earrings
- Watercress salad
- Club soda and lime
- Fresh applied lipstick
- Meadows of buttercups and clover
- Cashmere shawl

Drape your parchment in a sink full of the perfume potion, until the paper drips heavy with aroma. After drying and pressing the scroll into a marble - slick texture, scribe away. Every last word will be encoded with the inspirational fragrant magic!

Cologne for the crooner

2008-06-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

A permanent fixture in elevators and waiting rooms across the galaxy, John Mayers' popularity transcends the realm of overkill and takes his music to a heightened buzz in the background of the Earths' atmosphere. To top off his success, he also possesses an the allure of redolence.

- New sneakers
- Guitar polish
- Washed denim
- Fabric softener
- Dr. Pepper
- Flat wound steel strings
- Dove soap
- Salsa and chips
- Frangipani
- Wintermint gum
- Salty sea air
- Airplane peanuts
- Musty velvet blazer
- After shave
- Starched hotel linens
- Philly cheese steak and curly fries
- Bamboo leaf shampoo

Ruffle the ingredients through your suitcase, ensuring that each item of clothing retains traces of the mixture. Activated by heat, the perfume will blossom upon wearing the contaminated clothing to your nightly performances.

Flower in the Hills

2008-06-05T19:40:00.001-07:00

Lauren Conrad has proven to be demure and modest compared to the other characters of 'The Hills'. This said, she apparently bestows the most 'effervescent' fragrance of them all!

- Sugar free bubble gum
- Hair straightening conditioner
- Strawberry lip gloss
- Soft serve ice cream
- Patent leather
- New computer screen
- Sandy bikini
- maraschino cherries
- Coconut rum
- Gold-aluminum alloy car keys
- Peppermint foot cream
- Interior Dior purse
- Next seasons' sun glasses
- Festering car seat garbage
- Hot cell phone battery
- Textiles crayons
- Banana pancakes
- Nail polish remover
- Tropical fish food

Lather your hair with the goop until the texture spreads into a smooth ointment. Rinse and towel dry. To fasten the perfume to your hair permanently, use a hair curling wand at high temperature. Once you hear a sizzle and pop, you know it's working!

Scentsored View

2008-06-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Rosie O'Donnell has had a few incarnations on the entertainment circuit. First as a lovable side kick and now a blogging maniac, punching holes in the air with the slightest provocation. It's too bad that she wasn't able to identify the onset of menopause earlier. The culmination of explosive rage and unbalanced hormones has produced caustic perspiration so acidic that even inhaling the fumes can be a fatal risk!

- Bologna sandwiches
- Denim shirts
- Smokers toothpaste
- New soccer balls
- Buttered popcorn
- Artificial sweetener
- Sun block
- Weathered key board
- Cheese pizza
- Root beer
- Sneakers
- Playground tanbark
- Cool whip
- Plastic beach balls
- Chlorinated pool
- Cheese burgers
- Sweat pants
- Corn chips
- Cold cream

Scoop the listed ingredients into a mixing bowl and blend with your favorite cake batter. Bake in the oven until golden then eat the entire loaf in one sitting. To Increase the intensity of the perfume, add a dollop of peanut butter, chocolate fudge ice cream to each mouthful while enjoying old episodes of Roseanne on TV.

Cruel Intentions, perfumified!

2008-06-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Denise Richards has enough on her plate, the last thing she needs is my advice on how to reduce and improve her pheromone emissions. But this isn't a gentle reminder of feminine hygiene practice. This is a desperate cry for mercy, pleading her to surrender her unsavory lifestyle in the name of world peace and Doris Day!

- Roadkill
- Box wine
- Sticky kids toys
- Barn yard animals
- Pina coladas
- Slim fast bars
- Menthol cigarettes
- French onion dip
- Teeth whitening bleach
- Spray on tan
- Vagisil
- Low carb bagels
- Iced lemon tea
- Nail glue
- Hair removal wax
- String cheese
- Expensive bikini
- Overused hair dryer
- Pine car freshener

Slap the ingredients under your armpits each day, before launching another reality-show-captured tirade on your enemies (past and future). The pungent odor will begin to do it's magic, once you've wound yourself up into a tight ball of stress and anxiety. Drink or throw whatever you need to in order to decompress and then take in a deep breath, inhaling the fruits of your aromatic efforts! Voila - instant drama queen!

Parfum de Iron Hommes

2008-06-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

Robert Downey Jr has successfully pumped new life into the iconic super hero 'Iron Man'. With one swoop of his returning flight to career glory, he's also mustered up a prowess for accentuated fragrance.

- Almond oil face hydrant
- Mandarin segments
- Satin bathrobe
- Fresh roasted coffee beans
- Newspaper clippings
- Avocado and lemon on toast
- Turkish thread linens
- New leather car seats
- Hair thickening conditioner
- Cinnamon gum
- Peach trees
- Hiking boots
- Speed boat motor oil
- Club soda and whisky
- Tanning spray residue
- Pressed silk suits
- Boot polish
- Mint Julep
- Dark chocolate covered coffee beans
- Hotel carpet cleaner

Order the assistant to mix up the potion for you. Follow the directions inscribed on a post-it note on the fridge door. "Good morning Mr. Superhero, drink this before the red carpet and the night will take care of itself. 1.Infuse the mixture with crushed ice in a martini shaker. 2.Delicately pour into a frosty glass and knock back with a jolt of Gin. 3. Bon Voyage, enjoy Cannes!

Punk'd: the perfume

2008-06-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

Ashton Kutcher is laden with many gifts contributing to his success. His new 'fuzzy face' look is another one of his strategic merchandising gimmicks. Like the truckers' hat episode, he is always reinventing the 'unkempt-bad boy' image to disguise his unmistakable prepubescent-mommies boy odor.

- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
- Ralph lauren sock drawer deodorizer
- Bubble mint gum
- Root beer
- Damp lawn
- Sticky home gym circuit
- Roast beef and mustard
- Camera lens cleaning fluid
- Potato chips
- Demis' lipstick residue
- Skateboard wax
- Dense toenail undergrowth
- Grilled cheese
- Chlorinated pool water
- Musty leather jackets
- Burt out 'Guitar Hero' games
- Black coffee

Add a good dose of the mixture to your shampoo bottle and lather into you hair at least twice a week. The perfume will start to take full effect soon after, ensuring early success in your career and love life (that's if you don't mind ensuing early 'has-been' status and being married to a saucy - vintage 'has-been').

Nixon the vixen!

2008-05-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

An accomplished actress, stylish mother and philanthropist (have you SEEN her girlfriend?!), Cynthia Nixon is a classic cut gem of rare beauty. Likewise, her dreamy natural perfume is just as luminescent!

- Fresh cut apples
- Grapefruit juice
- Talcum powder
- Soiled gardening utensils
- Raw silk
- Walnut antique dresser
- Rose gardens
- Marble counters
- White mulberries
- Orange Poppyseed muffin
- Gardenia moisturizer
- Reisling
- Boutique toy store
- Organic sweet peas

Dab the ingredints on your temples before retiring to bed. When you wake up, the perfume will be evenly smudged across you brow, radiating a gentle aroma throughout the day.

Foster care

2008-05-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Jodie Foster has undergone a recent unveiling of personal candor in the public eye. Weirdly, the veil of her disguise was so transparent that the only shocking revelation was how she let the charade go on so long! So now that she's officially gay, we can scrap that ghastly detergent spray she was wearing, mistaking it for a 'feminine' smelling perfume.

- Salty baseball caps
- Vitamin pills
- Sump oil
- Oat bran flakes
- Fabric softener
- Cod liver oil
- Hot dogs
- Mint floss
- Squash racquet
- Mens deodorant
- Corn chips and salsa
- Budweiser beer
- Damp seersucker beach shorts
- York peppermint patties

Slosh the mixture together in a tub of soapy water, along with your sports socks. Whenever you wear your socks, be sure to match them with high heels. Your uncompromising denial of comfort will induce a high pitch note of perspiration, which will release the powerful bouquet in the socks.